Monday, May 09, 2011

I wish I never grew up...

Today I went to the room of a psenti-semite (Some one who is in his last sem). The fellow is leaving early 9th morning. His hostel and the adjoining ones were full of other psenti-semites as well, packing their stuff, to end their college journey, and embark on new adventures in life.

On my way back, I just couldn't resist thinking, how those empty rooms and packed baggages symbolised the beginning of the end for me. And the realisation made me emotional. That I have finally grown up. The realisation, that soon, I too will be packing my bags and leaving, to enter the world of corporates. A world, where career becomes your first priority, not friends. Where work becomes your priority, not joy. Where living becomes your priority, not life.

As a kid, I always wished, that I would grow up quickly, to walk in tandem with the adults, to be a more responsible person than the kids around me and to be considered more intelligent from the lot. I idolized the big ones around me.
I wanted to grow up, because I wanted to be independent, enjoy life without worrying about parting with my chocolates. I wanted to grow up quick, so that no one would pester me when I was playing Mario. There were lots of reasons, most of them kiddish, but  I just wanted to grow up.

And then I came to my high school. And all I wanted was to transcend the boundaries of my school. To become a good grown-up man living a good life. The dreams were smaller back then, and the targets of those days seem laughable to me now. But yet, I wanted to grow out of the cocoon of school and fly into the open world. Because I wanted to live life large. Heard that, 'live life king size' phrase?

Then I came to my college. With a Computer Science degree programme pushing its muscle behind me.
And all I wanted was to grow up into an even more successful person.

But, The life at college was different.

Because apart from my head growing up, I turned a lot more mature. Till +2, all I had done was learn from some books. Now I was also learning from people. I was learning about myself, my good and the dark sides, and fighting my way, to become a better grown up.
I learned a lot about the ground realities of this world.
And yet, the will to grow into an even more successful person only got stronger.

I learned about a world beyond my text books. I developped tastes and interests. in things that till not long ago I considered a waste of time. I learned to appreciate the beauty in other people's actions and lives, and came to respect their thoughts. Sometimes, Life would be the game, and me the hunter. At other times, I would be the game, and life would be the hunter.
And I only wanted to grow up more.

But now, as the end becomes imminent, my heart is crying.
And I wish, that I never should have grown up.
I don't know why.

Maybe, its because I still miss my school friends, and am sad because of this race called life separated us. A deja-vu of sorts that I want to avoid.
Maybe, because I have got too much attached to my surroundings, and I just don't want to break those strings right now.
Maybe, because I never gave it a thought, what I would do, if and when I lost contact with all that has been part of my life for last three years.
Maybe, because the very thought of loosing contact makes me sad enough. Already, I drag with me, the memories of my school life, and now, I will have to carry the burden of my college memories as well. Dragging the burden might seem a wrong phrase; These are a burden, because my heart wishes that these days to never be over. And I drag these, because I wish, one day, I could relive them. Because one day in the future, I want to laugh about all that I lost in the process of growing up. 
But now, I don't know, if I still want to keep growing.

People say, all these are phases of life.
Everyone comes across things and events like these in their lives. 
All I can say is, it is easy to say things, and console. But hard to bear the weight right inside your head. I just don't want to be haunted by those cherished memories of friendship, love and bonding.

There were days at my college, when I would think about the moments of my school life. A tree, which was the epitome of my school days. A building, where I spent 14  years of my younger life, making new friends, and learning new things, everyday. A 30 minutes lunch break, when a bunch of friends would just go on making fun of any one from the group. A staff room, where teachers would discuss our pranks. A class room, where we had earlier enacted those pranks. A lunch box, with a dozen odd friends pounding on it to get some food; not because we were hungry, but because it was fun. Stupid gossips about girls and boys. Making fun of the teachers, in every wrong way. Laughing our hearts out, on the silliest of jokes.

There were days in my life, when I would miss the happiness of my past, the smiles of my teachers and the laughter of my friends. And now, there will be more such days.

Once again, People say that these are all phases of life, you learn a lot as you grow old, you get to have new adventures, new experiences and new encounters in life. 
I don't know whats in store for my future, or just how good or bad my future might be.
But I am sure, it won't have the same old friends with the same old laughter in it.
Sure, there will be days of joy, but I don't think I could compare those with the memories of my life.
Because everyone has grown up now.

And now, I just don't want these experiences to die as memories;
I want them to live forever.
Because now, I wish I had never grown up...

No comments:

Post a Comment