Inception

So the idea of making this new blog came to my mind this summer, while taking care of my sister.
She was a severe case of PPD.

Its not easy watching your parents cry in agony, and you standing there able to do nothing to stop it all immediately. Its not easy to just believe in the God of logic and not fall prey to the hope in superstitions when madness stares in your eyes. Its not easy to convince yourself that you will tide through, come what may.

It was then, that I realised there will be many such times in my life, and each of these situations will define who I end up being.

And now, or maybe since a couple of weeks earlier, I  can say -  "We have a situation."

A lot can transpire in little time.

I couldnt stop myself from thinking about the past few years - Did I fare well? Did I do it all right? Could I have done better??

These questions keep popping in your mind every now and then, and many remain unanswered. At first, you try answering each one of them; but slowly, you just learn you don't have answers to all the questions. You learn how to live with the unanswered lot.

But they still keep troubling you. So much so, you start wondering what kind of person asks such questions.

Some people are born genius. They figure out early in their life, what they want to do. They work for it, setting all the other things, questions aside. They pursue it. They achieve it. Or maybe fail while doing it. But they know what they want to do. They, have their dreams. They believe in their dreams.

Then there are some other people, who dont care about they do. They Live in a status quo just for the sake of living. They don't have dreams. In most cases, they have stopped dreaming long ago.

And then there are others - who belong to neither. They don't believe in their dreams, but they haven't shunned them either. People like me.

And so, you realise you are still on the path of discovery. You start thinking more. You start wondering more. You try to understand how you have changed over the years. How life has changed you. You start analyzing the impact of everything you do on your life. And gradually, you start becoming conscious of everything that you are, and that you aren't.

You learn about your limits. You learn about the faults in you. You think of the past and realise that you have never been perfect.

And now, you are left with 2 choices. Either to live as who you are. Or to fight yourself, fight your own biology, and change yourself.

Once again, some people are born fighters. Others, just don't know the fighter in themself yet. Whatever the case, you start fighting.

In the process, you loose that belief, that confidence you once had in your self. And at that point, you are all static, completely numb. You fall and fall and fall, until there is no depth to sink to. And then, you bounce back.

Fort then comes the time, when you start believing in yourself, once again. A time, when you are resurrected, minus the faults of your previous self.

Life is a constant cycle of creation, preservation, and destruction.

In order to create a new self, you must destroy the previous you, the memories of the previous you.

And more importantly, create the new you.

Its time, I start fighting.

I don't think I can sink any lower; its time, to aspire, burn that fire, and rise higher.

And I promise myself, I will not forget the questions, till I have them answered.

The times are changing

I joined this company in July, fresh out of my college. I had been placed on the 2nd day of our campus placements. I had landed a double digit job.

Tomorrow, I will complete my 4 months here.
Tomorrow, its my birthday.
Yesterday, I was asked to resign.

Today, I tendered my resignation - I will be relieved on 30th November, once my notice period ends. The company is going to shut down within next 3-4 months - we had already been so informed informally 18 days back. The choice had been between rescinding the offers before we joined, vs letting go in a longer fight. 

The unannounced voluntary layoffs began with all the freshers being asked to resign. Baaki teams bhi kat pit rahi hain, within the company, and the group as well.

But this is not what I wanted to write about.

I have managed a verbal offer from another company in the last 2 weeks, so no compromises made. 

This crisis has given me much food for thought. Its funny how I never understood the value of profile building during my college, though I had ended up decently well so far.

I envy those smart kids in college, XYZ club wale, ABC association wale. Lucky, to have been initiated into the worldly affairs so early. Lucky, to have known so much about life back then.

Or maybe, it is just my fate. Maybe, I am meant to learn the hard way. Always.

But I promise this to myself. No more stupid mistakes, after all, I had joined here after a lot of optimistic thinking. Its my life, and I alone want to be responsible for whatever happens with it. No external company or person shall control my fate ever again.

Life Goes On...

I had an interesting vacation, which gave me a lifetime worth of experience. (not kidding). Well, I spent most of my time with family at home, taking care of my sister, and her newborn - as she was suffering from PPD. I briefly went to Agra - to meet Naniji and for a while, re-live some of my childhood memories at their place, since they were shifting out from the old house, forever.

I had my convocation. Most of my friends were absent from it. That was a spoiler for sure. But my parents, who were witnessing a convocation for the first time, completely enjoyed it, and that over-compensated for the other missing sentiments.

Its been almost five weeks since I shifted base to Mumbai. In fact, my first salary is due tomorrow.
I had a lot of doubts before joining my company. But having spent almost a month in the organization now, I can safely say that all those doubts were, well kiddish.
The people I work with are way more smarter than those I have previously worked with. The environment is entrepreneurial. Everyday, I get to learn a lot of new, interesting and important things. The start-up culture tremendously improves the learning curve.

Life in Mumbai has been a mix of interesting and disgusting, with the occasional sight-seeing and the un-occasional rains filling up the space in between. 

Imagine its the first day of your stay in the city. While returning from a nearby place, you choose to travel in a public bus. You are spending your time calmly in the last row of the bus, when suddenly, a 'couple' come and seat themselves beside you. At the start of the next bus stop, they start indulging, in you-know-what. And finally, a time comes, when they unashamedly smooch each other in full public, for a good couple of minutes, before getting down at the next stop. While all this time, you are just thinking in your mind, God, is this really happening? India sach me itna tarakki kar gaya hai? bus me?

And then you look around uncomfortably, only to find people glancing at the 'couple', and bowing their heads, or looking at some other random direction. #True Story.

Couldn't stop wondering, if the same routine happened in the late hours and something unfateful happened with the couple, how much fault would they be at.

Its interesting how life goes on, seems like yesterday when I entered college, but today, I'm a working professional.

Dasvidaniya

Its been almost 4 years, since I took BITSAT.

At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to be a nomad in this desert.

But over the years that's exactly what became of me.

There were adversities everywhere.

The heat - the cold - the mosquitoes - the insects - the tests - the tuts - the food - the curricula.

Nothing was as I had known before. 

But life at BITS taught me how to survive.

23 evaluative components in 16 days. 5compres in 3 days. Almost 20 Irrelevant courses for 2 years. 4 major tests on the same day. 45 degrees in Summers. 0 degree in Winters. Added power cuts in the summers. Uneatable food in KG mess from Monday to Saturday. These are just some examples.

Those of us, who have already toiled during the CDCs will have many more to add. And still many more stories to come from the dopes, drunks, and skunks.

I guess all BITSians have experienced some subset or superset of these. Maybe, Some better than the others. 

I had opted for Computer Sciences.

Reason(s)? None that can be called worthwhile now.

Maybe it was the inexperience. I was naive. Didn't know much about any of the engineering disciplines. 

Or maybe it was the herd mentality. Got a good score? Do what people with high scores do.

But now, having been here for 4 years, I no longer think I am graduating with an Engineering Bachelors in Computer Science. For, I now believe, that I am a Bachelor of survival and a Master of adversities :D

But that face of adversity is just one side of the coin.

And I in particular believe  a coin has three of those sides: The head, the tail, and the side view of it. #EG.

The flipside was the good time I had throughout. 

Movie night-outs - LAN gaming - Redi discussions - Department work - getting involved with Nirman and CSA during first year - Poker games - Mafia sessions - DC randaapa - PS chutiyapa.

Sprayed amongst the waves of adversity, were the countless pearls of joy, fun and frolic.

There were the friends.

I made a lot of them. Some of them were good friends. Some of them were the not so good ones. And then there were the best friends.

Most had something to teach me in general. Many taught me lots of things about life. A few taught me things about myself.

Some of them helped me develop my passions. 

More importantly, they taught me how and what to question. about the world. about myself.

Most importantly, they taught me how to change myself. For the better. And be the better man, I always had the potential to be.

There were the hangouts.

Gen discussions on philosophy. on human limits. on existence. on god. on mythology. 

Gen timepass in SAC. Foodking, that is.

Pulling legs in the name of meetings.

Extended treat sessions at C'not.

Daaru party with friends.

There were the pranks.

Some small ones. Some big ones.

Of some I was made the victim. Of many else, I made others the victim.

And in the rest, there was team effort.

And most importantly, there were the moments.

Moments of laughter. Moments of joy. When everyone would laugh their ass off on the silliest of jokes. When a random girl passing by could change the entire thread of discussion.

I guess thats how life is. Like Krackjack. Sweet and Salty.

And today I experienced the third side of the coin. Finally. In all its grandeur and epic-ness. That's what motivated me to write this post. The psenti side.

I never knew I was this sentimental, this attached, before this day came.

"Yaar... Mujhe pata hai tu zarur royega.."

With these words, my dear friend departed. We hugged each other one more time. The last time, to be precise. And then, as he set in the rickshaw, we two got company. It was the tears - they finally decided to show themselves and well up my eyes. He had already spent two hours earlier in the same state. I was just catching up, it seemed.

The blow had been dealt.

I couldn't stop crying, once I reached my room. The realization had finally dawned. Its all over. That tomorrow, once I am done with my last compre, it will all be over.

You know its over, when a random sardar in ANC starts reminding you of a gaming friend. You know its over, when a group of juniors start reminding you of your own groups from past years. You know its over, when even before the final adios, every face you see starts reminding you of some one you knew. You know its over, when the nostalgia takes over even before the memories have set in.

And that is the tragedy of being grown up. We know we don't want it all to get over, and yet all we can do to stop it, to pause it, is to simply do nothing.

Like dead leaves, we bid adieu from the tree that held us together. Waiting for the wind to drift us apart.

They say, We part to meet gain. But do we?

Just think, who is corrupt.

This is one of those topic, about which I think a lot, but never really want to write about. I am not writing this one, anguished, or hurt, or tormented, or distressed by the moral character of our public servants, selected or elected. Neither does it have to do anything to vent out my feelings towards the way system works here.

My doubts have more of a theoretical context associated with them.
All I want to ask is, who is corrupt?

• Some minister who accepts bribes of the order of 100s of crores for changing allotment policies of our nation's valuable resource?
• Or some other minister and his accomplice, who plays the dirtiest games for misappropriating assets, while managing some sports extravaganza? And later claim they are all innocent, after having grossed some 16 billion dollars in the process?
• Or some senior babu in a govt. office exchanging bribes to the tune of lakhs and crores of rupees for a favorable response to affirm?
• How about one of those lower level babu, trying to make his small cut to multiples of 10000 bucks?
• Maybe some police inspector asking to give out a couple of 'Hari patti' for making verification faster while you toil to get your passport ready?
• Or some traffic constable willing not to open his challan book for a paltry 50 bucks?
• What about a forest officer accepting monthly cut so as to let illegal cutting of forest trees continue?
• And how about a peon asking for 'chai nashte ka kharcha' for getting your files move a little faster in income tax dept.

 The answer would be a yes for all of them above, right?

 But how about these guys:

• A guy who gets all his personal xerox done at his office, and saves money to the tunes of couple of thousands per month?
• A guy, who gets false petrol bills from the petrol pump and gets them reimbursed?
• A person who submits false medical bills claiming he has back problems, and getting compensation from his organization for the same?
• Some friend not turning up for a project meet, citing untrue health reasons so that some other guy does his share of work?
• A student who lies to his teacher and gets a makeup test, telling that he was ill and hence didn't appear for the test, while the actual reason was that he had been gaming and hence did not study.
• An employee, who fakes the number of kilometers and rate per kilometers, to get that extra unspend sum from his travel allowance limt?
• A student getting need based assistance based on fake parental income certificates
• Some friend taking benefits of 2 scholarship at same time when scholarship terms expressly forbid it

I am sure it won't be a yes for everyone this time.

And thats because we have seen this happening somewhere around us. In our neighborhood. In our lives. Maybe, we have done it ourselves sometime. And we deem things to be corruption, only if money is exchanging sides, that too in big numbers. And till you are bending the rules, not breaking them, everything is fine, right? And till you haven't been caught, you are obviously clean, right? Sadly, these are the norms prevalent in our society.