Thursday, November 01, 2012


So the idea of making this new blog came to my mind this summer, while taking care of my sister.
She was a severe case of PPD.

Its not easy watching your parents cry in agony, and you standing there able to do nothing to stop it all immediately. Its not easy to just believe in the God of logic and not fall prey to the hope in superstitions when madness stares in your eyes. Its not easy to convince yourself that you will tide through, come what may.

It was then, that I realised there will be many such times in my life, and each of these situations will define who I end up being.

And now, or maybe since a couple of weeks earlier, I  can say -  "We have a situation."

A lot can transpire in little time.

I couldnt stop myself from thinking about the past few years - Did I fare well? Did I do it all right? Could I have done better??

These questions keep popping in your mind every now and then, and many remain unanswered. At first, you try answering each one of them; but slowly, you just learn you don't have answers to all the questions. You learn how to live with the unanswered lot.
But they still keep troubling you. So much so, you start wondering what kind of person asks such questions.

Some people are born genius. They figure out early in their life, what they want to do. They work for it, setting all the other things, questions aside. They pursue it. They achieve it. Or maybe fail while doing it. But they know what they want to do. They, have their dreams. They believe in their dreams.

Then there are some other people, who dont care about they do. They Live in a status quo just for the sake of living. They don't have dreams. In most cases, they have stopped dreaming long ago.

And then there are others - who belong to neither. They don't believe in their dreams, but they haven't shunned them either. People like me.

And so, you realise you are still on the path of discovery. You start thinking more. You start wondering more. You try to understand how you have changed over the years. How life has changed you. You start analyzing the impact of everything you do on your life. And gradually, you start becoming conscious of everything that you are, and that you aren't.
You learn about your limits. You learn about the faults in you. You think of the past and realise that you have never been perfect.
And now, you are left with 2 choices. Either to live as who you are. Or to fight yourself, fight your own biology, and change yourself.

Once again, some people are born fighters. Others, just don't know the fighter in themself yet. Whatever the case, you start fighting.

In the process, you loose that belief, that confidence you once had in your self. And at that point, you are all static, completely numb. You fall and fall and fall, until there is no depth to sink to. And then, you bounce back.
Fort then comes the time, when you start believing in yourself, once again. A time, when you are resurrected, minus the faults of your previous self.

Life is a constant cycle of creation, preservation, and destruction.
In order to create a new self, you must destroy the previous you, the memories of the previous you.
And more importantly, create the new you.

Its time, I start fighting.
I don't think I can sink any lower; its time, to aspire, burn that fire, and rise higher.
And I promise myself, I will not forget the questions, till I have them answered.